Are You Setting Boundaries or Trying to Control the Situation?
CO-WRITTEN with Shawnette Thompson, Talk2Me Therapy
Have you ever felt that knot in your stomach when your partner does something that sets you off? You might find yourself saying you’re setting boundaries to protect yourself. But what if it’s not a boundary at all? Sometimes, it’s a sign that you’re trying to control the situation because of how uncomfortable you feel—without even realizing it. This reaction can unintentionally slip into behaviour that feels manipulative, leaving your partner hurt and confused. Let’s explore why this happens and how you can avoid falling into this trap.
Why We Confuse Setting Boundaries with Control
In 2023, comedian Jonah Hill’s text messages to his then-girlfriend, professional surfer Sarah Brady, went viral and quickly sparked a huge conversation online. While he called them "boundaries," many saw his demands—like telling her not to interact with male surfers or post photos in swimsuits—as controlling and even labeled his behaviour as emotional abuse. Countless articles popped up, highlighting the difference between truly setting boundaries and trying to control someone else. And here’s the thing: this kind of confusion happens all the time, even when you don’t intend to be harmful. It’s easy to mix up setting a boundary with trying to control someone’s actions, especially when you’re feeling anxious or insecure.
When a wave of anxiety or discomfort hits, it’s natural to want it to stop. Instead of turning inward to deal with those uncomfortable feelings, you probably focus outward. You might try to control what’s happening around you—like nitpicking your partner’s actions—hoping it will ease your anxiety. But here’s the thing: controlling what others do doesn’t actually fix the problem. It might give you a quick sense of relief, but the discomfort inside always comes back, often even stronger than before.
What’s Really Going On Inside
Why is it so tricky to tell the difference between setting boundaries and trying to control someone else’s behavior? When you’re feeling anxious or vulnerable, it makes sense to want relief. Instead of turning inward and exploring what’s really going on, you might focus outward—trying to manage the situation or control the people around you. It’s easy to mistake the problem as something external, like your partner’s actions, instead of recognizing that the real struggle is with your own discomfort or vulnerability. In those moments, it can feel safer to try and control what’s happening outside of you rather than sitting with the intense, uneasy feelings inside.
We’re all human, we all experience moments where our inner world—whether it’s emotions, thoughts, or even signals from your body—feels like too much to handle. Sometimes, it might feel like anxiety creeping in before a big conversation, or that wave of frustration when things aren’t going the way we planned. These intense internal experiences often stem from past hurts, unmet needs, or emotions we haven’t quite worked through. The challenge is, many of us haven’t learned what to do when these feelings bubble up. They can be so intense that we’re afraid they’ll overwhelm us if we don’t do something to manage them immediately.
The Cycle of Control, Anxiety & Setting Boundaries
Think about it: you’re feeling uneasy about your relationship, so you try to control little things your partner does to ease that discomfort by “setting boundaries”. Maybe you ask them not to spend time with certain friends or flip out on them if they don’t text back quickly. In the moment, it might feel like it’s helping—your anxiety eases a bit. But setting boundaries like this usually just creates tension. Over time, this can push your partner away, leading to the very thing you were afraid of: feeling disconnected or even losing the relationship.
It’s a cycle that’s difficult to break because part of you is hoping that by controlling the people around you or shaping your environment, you’ll feel better. This response often happens without you even knowing it. You’re just trying to avoid the uncomfortable feelings inside. But here’s the catch—when you focus on managing what’s happening outside of you, it sends a signal to your brain that those feelings are dangerous or unbearable. This avoidance reinforces the idea that the anxiety needs to be escaped at all costs, making it even stronger over time. The more you rely on external control to feel better, the less equipped you feel to handle the discomfort within yourself. In the end, you feel even less in control and even more stuck.
Shifting the Focus Inward
Here’s the good news, you have the power to change this pattern. Instead of focusing on controlling what’s outside, try turning inward. When you notice those anxious feelings, pause, and take a moment to just sit with them. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but learning to tolerate those feelings without acting on them can make a huge difference. This doesn’t mean you never set a boundary or talk to your partner about what’s bothering you. It just means taking the time to check in with yourself first—figuring out what’s really going on inside and separating what’s yours to work through from what truly needs to be addressed with your partner or in your relationship.
This process helps build your sense of agency—your ability to choose how to respond, instead of reacting out of fear or anxiety. By slowing down and staying with your feelings, you can start making choices that align with what you truly want for yourself and your relationships.
Building a Stronger Relationship with Yourself
The stronger your relationship with yourself, the more confident you become in your decisions and actions. When you feel more secure internally, you don’t need to rely as much on controlling what others do to feel okay. This shift helps you approach relationships with less fear and more clarity.
A lot of the fears you feel in adult relationships actually come from much earlier experiences, when your safety depended entirely on the people around you. Now, as an adult, you have the chance to start healing those old fears. When you take the time to understand where they really come from, you can begin to let them go, creating healthier and more balanced relationships for yourself.
Moving Forward with Clarity
In therapy, the goal isn’t just to get rid of discomfort but to understand and learn from it. When you embrace these internal experiences instead of fearing them, you gain deeper self-awareness and growth. This opens the door to living more intentionally and confidently, helping you make decisions that feel right for you and your relationships—without getting stuck in cycles of anxiety and trying to take control by “setting boundaries”.
This blog was created in collaboration with my colleague Shawnette Thompson, MSW, RSW, at Talk2Me Therapy.
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