A happy family of three sharing a loving embrace outdoors, symbolizing connection and emotional warmth in good parenting. In the calm of this photo parents may ask "How do I stop yelling?"

In today’s world of attachment-based parenting—whether it’s gentle, conscious, positive, or connected parenting—there’s a clear emphasis on not yelling at your kids. It’s almost as if yelling has become the ultimate “don’t” in the enlightened parenting playbook. This leaves many parents asking themselves, “How do I stop yelling?”… and also feeling like the total absence of yelling is a pre-requisite to being a good parent.

And while the focus on yelling comes from a well-meaning place (I mean don’t we all want to yell less?!), overemphasizing the goal of ‘not yelling’ can contribute to unintended challenges.

To be clear, I’m not saying you should yell at your kids —far from it. Instead, it’s about recognizing that anger and yelling are often misunderstood. When the focus is solely on avoiding yelling at all costs, it risks not only perpetuating the very cycle it is meant to break, but it also risks neglecting deeper emotional truths that we should be paying attention to. This is especially true for parents who may struggle with people-pleasing, over-responsibility, perfectionism, or their own histories of childhood trauma.

Many parents I work with carry overwhelming guilt over moments of yelling, convinced that these instances erase all their efforts to be a good parent. In their determination to avoid yelling, many try to suppress their anger entirely—and this is where we run into trouble. The truth is, anger isn’t the enemy. It’s how we understand and respond to it that makes the difference.

Let’s break down five reasons why making peace with your anger—not trying to erase it—is a healthier, more empowering approach to parenting and to moments of yelling.

A single mother and daughter sitting cross-legged on a sofa, laughing together while practicing mindfulness, illustrating healthy coping techniques in parenting. This mom often asks herself “How do I stop yelling?”

1. Yelling is an Attempted Solution, Not the Problem

When yelling or intense anger arises in parenting, it’s often a reaction to deeper emotional experiences that don’t get talked about enough. Let me explain.

Parenting moments can trigger vulnerabilities like powerlessness, loneliness, or fear of failure. These feelings can be so overwhelming that we unconsciously turn to anger as a way to manage, suppress or avoid them. That burst of anger—whether expressed or internalized—is the psyche’s attempt to regain control or shield you from more painful feelings. It’s not effective, but it’s a coping mechanism.

If anger comes out in an explosive way, it often leads to guilt, creating a cycle: feeling vulnerable, reacting with anger, and then experiencing guilt. When we focus solely on avoiding yelling, we bypass these deeper emotions and fail to address the root cause of our frustration.

Instead of seeing yelling as the problem, try viewing it as a warning light—a signal that something beneath the surface needs your attention. Suppressing the anger without exploring its cause often leads to unresolved frustration and guilt. By acknowledging anger as an attempted solution, you can approach it with self-compassion and curiosity, uncovering what’s really driving it.

Tip: Try to get curious about what more vulnerable experience might have preceded an angry outburst - *hint: common ones for parents is a sense of powerlessness, feeling like we are failing, worry about what our kid’s behaviour says about us as a parent, feeling all alone and unsupported by our partners or in our lives.

A joyful Asian family with a single dad sitting together in their cozy home, showcasing the importance of playful bonding moments in parenting. The dad often asks himself “How do I stop yelling?”

2. ‘White-Knuckling’ Anger Creates a Disconnect for Kids

Suppressing anger and pretending it doesn’t exist can create an emotional disconnect that children intuitively sense. Kids are remarkably perceptive—they often pick up on our underlying feelings, even when we try to hide them. When we “white-knuckle” anger by staying calm on the outside while boiling on the inside, it can be more unsettling for kids than the anger itself.

Imagine saying calmly, “I’m not upset,” while internally seething. Your child might sense the disconnect and feel confused or anxious, often blaming themselves for the tension they perceive but can’t understand. Instead of suppressing anger entirely, it’s more effective to acknowledge it in a manageable way. Saying, “I’m feeling frustrated right now, and I need a moment to calm down,” validates your feelings while reassuring your child that emotions can be handled constructively.

This transparency encourages trust, helping children learn that emotions are normal and manageable rather than something to fear or avoid.

Tip: Practice using your words when you are angry or irritated! I know this sounds basic and obvious, yet we often don’t do this with anger. Instead of trying to suppress it or stomping around fuming but quiet, try saying ‘I’m feeling frustrated right now.” It’s okay to do this even when you don’t feel your anger is warranted. Remember that saying “I’m feeling angry” isn’t an indictment of the other person, it is just a description of what’s happening for you in that moment.

A South Asian family sitting together, smiling and interacting warmly, showing the power of understanding and compassion in good parenting dynamics. They often ask themselves “How do I stop yelling?”

3. Anger is a Healthy, ‘Normal’ Emotion

Anger, like any other emotion, carries valuable information. It often signals unmet needs, crossed boundaries, or underlying vulnerabilities. In parenting, feeling anger doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.

However, when advice focuses heavily on not yelling, it can send the message that anger itself is inherently bad. This perspective can leave parents feeling ashamed or broken for experiencing an emotion that’s simply part of life. While uncontrolled rage is harmful (though also very common with folks I work with and something that I also have struggled with), moments of anger—when handled constructively—can actually strengthen relationships through repair and reconnection.

By acknowledging and working through anger, you model emotional resilience for your kids, teaching them that big emotions are a part of life and can be navigated with care. There is actually no ‘regulation’ without ‘dysregulation’. I promise you that even the most enlighted, healed humans experience moments of emotional dysregulation. It is counter-intuitive, the more that we accept that anger is a part of the human experience, the more likely we are to be able to experience it in a way that doesn’t feel out of control.

Tip: Remind yourself that ‘feeling angry is ok.” If you have a reaction to this statement, get curious about your relationship to anger. What are your deeper learned values around anger that you might have picked up in childhood (For example “anger is dangerous”, “it’s not okay to be angry”, “good people don’t get angry”, etc.)

A smiling interracial family walking on the beach, highlighting shared joy and teamwork in navigating parenting challenges. They often ask themselves “How do I stop yelling?”

4. Anger Reveals Opportunities for Healing

Parenting often shines a light on the parts of ourselves that need healing. Aka, kids can trigger the heck out of us. This is for many reasons that have to do both with the intensity of the demands of modern day parenting, but also because parenting dynamics will inevitably at some points touch upon deeply held negative self beliefs, past traumatic experiences, our vulnerabilities and anything we might feel shame about.

When this happens, we get ‘triggered'. A trigger is when our nervous system gets activated from something in our current life based on experiences from our past that are unhealed. This activates our survival system (fight, flight, freeze).

Part of why anger gets a bad rap is because many of us conflate it with going into a ‘fight’ survival response. The ‘fight response’ includes the emotion of anger, but is much more intense - it also includes a shutting off of our ‘thinking brain’ and also of our caregiving system, and can feel uncontrollable. But this is actually a natural response to experiencing danger. The key is to understand why your body/nervous system is responding in that way in certain situations.

So while intense anger can feel overwhelming, it also offers a powerful opportunity for growth. It can highlight unresolved pain or unmet needs from our own past.

Often we are unaware of what from our past experiences may contribute to current triggers, or even what about the current context was triggering.

Instead of shaming yourself for moments of intense anger, approach them with curiosity.

Ask, “What is this anger trying to tell me?” It might point to a need for support, a boundary you’ve been neglecting, or fears rooted in childhood experiences. By listening to these cues, you can deepen your self-awareness and respond to parenting challenges from a place of alignment rather than reactivity.

When anger arises, it’s not a failure—it’s an invitation to understand yourself more deeply and to parent from a place of compassion.

A cheerful Black family sitting on a couch, forming a playful house shape with their arms, representing the unity of family support and good parenting. Theses parents also often wonder "How do I stop yelling?”

5. Repairing After Anger Builds Stronger Connections

Good parenting isn’t about avoiding anger entirely, it’s about handling it with care and repairing afterward. If you yell or lose your temper, you still have the opportunity to reconnect. Apologizing, talking through the moment, and showing genuine understanding can strengthen your bond with your child.

Repair teaches kids that relationships can weather difficult moments and that love isn’t conditional on perfect behavior. Mistakes, including yelling, can become opportunities to model resilience, accountability, and emotional intelligence.

One tip: When repairing after yelling, approach it from a place of confidence and self-compassion. This ensures the repair focuses on the child’s needs rather than serving as a way to alleviate your guilt.

One tip: When repairing after yelling, approach it from a place of confidence and self-compassion. This ensures the repair focuses on the child’s needs rather than serving as a way to alleviate your guilt.

The Takeaway

Yelling or feeling anger doesn’t make you a “bad” parent. Anger is a complex emotion with a purpose, and learning to approach it with curiosity and compassion can deepen your connection with your kids.

Instead of striving for an unrealistic ideal of never getting angry, focus on:

Understanding what your anger is telling you
Setting healthy boundaries
Reconnecting through repair when needed
Practicing self-compassion in moments of anger

By making peace with your anger, you shift from a place of reactivity to one of authenticity and connection. This approach not only benefits you but also teaches your children how to navigate the full range of human emotions in a healthy, constructive way.

Cheers,

Mackenzie Kinmond, MSW, RSW Psychotherapist

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5 Reasons Why Anger is NOT the Enemy of Good Parenting